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Centerpointe Research

Anger Management

Do You Have to Win?

Young Couple in Relationship Conflict

Young Couple in Relationship Conflict (Photo credit:

Why does every fight have to end with someone winning and someone losing?  Why is the ultimate goal of every argument is to have it your way?  Women often feel it is this way with men.  Why do some women say, “Yes dear”, but don’t really mean it.  No one likes to lose and to give in without a fight; but what if the conclusion is foregone and the fight, useless.

What if the goal is to make up your own mind and then what you decide is right for you or do you feel that you have to capitulate when having a disagreement in order to end it?  The word disagreement in another form is disagreeable.  Or as the grandchildren would say, “Not nice.”  The resulting feelings are anger, fear, anxiety,  grief, or sorrow.   Doesn’t make you feel good does it or if it does make you feel good, how does it make the other person feel?  Bad?  In these fights, someone always ends up s… out of luck and probably ready for another fight in the future.  Is that why people often bring up old grudges when talking about a current problem?


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More on Anger

The world has seemed to explode with anger.  Almost everywhere you look around the world, people are angry and they are destroying property and killing and maiming people.  How do you get people to do this?  Threats can be made to people that the same will happen to them if they do not cooperate in doing this and that they will become the enemy  and be slaughtered too.  This is what has happened to children soldiers in Africa.

What is the origin of anger?  It always starts with the individual and his or her ability to control his or her own temper.  Some people consider anger a right.  They may even believe that they can not help how they feel.  They may think, “It is alright for me to do this if someone or something makes me angry.”  This might be labeled as righteous anger.  (See my post, Righteous Anger published previously on this website.)

After we are born, our emotional feelings separate into two kinds of feelings,  positive and negative.  Anger is one type of  negative feeling.  Frustration is one way that negative feelings are created.  We learn in childhood the appropriate ways to express these feelings and what type of behavior we are supposed to use to do this.


ANGER!! (Photo credit: Za3tOoOr!)

There is a difference between power and force as means of getting one’s way.  Force is fueled with anger and it is expressed as aggression.  If I want something, I take it.  Power is more subtle and complex.  An example of this would be Mahatma Gandhi in India and his nonviolence movement.  The more respect one has for one’s self and others and the the more peaceful one’s value system is, the more likely it is that when that person accomplishes something, it is will be through power and not force.   Dr. David Hawkins has a book about this called, Power vs. Force.


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Misplaced Anger

Angry Talk (Comic Style)

Angry Talk (Comic Style) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Following up on yesterdays post, Displaced Aggression, we are going to look even more carefully at times when we get angry at the wrong person or about the wrong thing. We think someone or something “makes” us mad and then when we get mad this way, we can easily take it out on someone else or something in our lives that really didn’t deserve it. The person or thing that we initially got angry about may no longer be present or may be some person or thing that we think we can’t be safely angry about. This is when anger is misplaced onto a convenient scape goat. People often take their anger out on persons or things that did little or nothing to them.

There are two things to consider here. One is that when we get mad about something, it is at some level that we “decide” to feel angry about someone or something. We think that we are “justified” in being angry. Many people have been taught that they have a right to become angry when certain things happen and when they happen, that they can’t help but get mad and possibly even that they can not control it. People like this have very quick tempers and it seems as if there is no stopping them when they get angry about something. It often follows that these people take their anger out on the wrong person or thing. It is also true that different people feel different ways about what they are “justified” to get mad about. Wars have been fought over this.

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