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Anger

Things Usually Are the Most Productive When They Are Painful

Does Anger Bring Out The "Devil" In You Or Does Fear of Change Bring Out the "Devil" in You

Does Anger Bring Out The “Devil” In You Or Does Fear of Change Bring Out the “Devil” in You

Progress in my life has often been scary and painful and I often did not work on solving problems because I didn’t want to face the pain involved.  This is especially true in interpersonal situations.  Do you think that the most progress is made when something is easy to do?  Be honest with yourself….

Progress can not always be assured even when we face something painful and that is potentially painful too.  Could we learn something?  This is something that could realistically happen.  Learning can be painful too especially when you have to give up all or part of a long-held belief system.

When confronted with new conflicting information about a belief that a person has long held, people can either reject the new information in some way or change it so it fits their paradigm.  The other option is to change their belief system to fit the new information.  This is what learning is all about.

Some people are not really looking for conflicting information as it makes them uncomfortable so they back away from confrontations.  They think there always has to be a winner or a loser in a disagreement and they are programmed not to lose because it hurts too.  Compromise is sometimes a new thing to some people because of this.

When people come to new understandings about things, they can both be winners.  They understand each other better and can anticipate making better decisions without out so much potential “flack” from the other partner.

Feeling Beat Down And Worn Out?

Criticism and put-downs can be a form of mental abuse and so can sarcasm and being told that you can’t take a joke.  Constant volleys of such “verbal” abuse can wear a person down and definitely not help them back up. It is often used in arguments to denigrate the opinions  and/or wishes of those being put down.  The partner might find him or herself spending more time defending themselves than having a constructive arguement.

Anger Is Often Used To Control

Anger Controls People

Nagging can result from such interactions.  If a person is never allowed to win an argument by the means cited above, they may resort to nagging as a substitute for not being able to win in an argument.  Nagging can be a symptom of a relationship where one person doesn’t do something that the other person wants and in an argument over this issue, the other person feels that they don’t have to a chance to win.

Such forms of interaction discussed above can result in a negative living situation with one or both persons involved feeling “less than” and unable to cope.  Being constantly “put-down” does not generate a comfortable situation and it can become a constant war zone in which one person always wants to win and the other person doesn’t feel they have a chance.

Punishment is not a good way to encourage certain forms of behavior; positive reinforcement is.  Also on many issues over which partners fight there is often no one “right” answer.  Many such arguments are about personal preferences and not absolutes although some people like to think that they are.  Mother nature and our environments are set up to encourage certain types of tastes and certain types of skills.

Does Anger Bring Out The "Devil" In You

Does Anger Bring Out The “Devil” In You

For example, if I have sensitive hearing, I may prefer certain types of music over other types.  Does that make me right or wrong when I argue with a person with different sensitivites and experiences.  For example, I do not like most “bluegrass music,” certain old time country music, and polkas (unless they are extremely “lively”).  However that doesn’t mean that I don’t like music as a whole.

It often boils down to a whole issue of control.  If I maintain that the things I like and like to do are the only “right” ones than I can be sure that I won’t have to do or experience anything different that I might not like.  In one relationship I was in, I was not allowed to eat any onions cooked or raw at home or away from home for he could always tell if I did and he didn’t like them.

Nobody is happy if only one person is in control of the relationship.  The winner might get tired of having to tell the loser everything they are supposed to do and the loser might get tired of never having “any choice”.  This can be the motive for murder where one partner kills the other.

 

 

Acknowledge Your Feelings But Don’t Let Them Control You

amygdalaFeelings can be overwhelming and are necessary at times.  Grief for example, must be expressed sooner or later.  It is very damaging especially to relationships if it can not be shared.  When I am very hungry, I get so mad that I could spit nails.  When I am with family or friends I warn them when I get that way.  I am literally not able to fulfill others’ requests until I get something to eat.  You probably could name more.

Some feelings people feel are so strong that they literally take over and people thus say that they “involuntarily” do things that they may or may not regret later.  They are out of control but it is not their fault.  For example, someone says, “He made me so mad…” and this justifies whatever that person does next.

Are we responsible for our feelings?  Well, “Yes,” and “No”.   We are frequently conditioned at a very young age to respond with negative feelings to certain things.   We may be even given rational explanations for feeling that way that we accept as something that motivates us to do certain certain things and often enables us to not accept responsibility for what we do then.

How do we resist all that conditioning?  It can effectively put limits on our life if we let it.   It is often difficult to undo.   How often have we heard someone say, “I can’t help it,” in relation to performing these type of learned behaviors.  Is it a Get Out of Jail Free” card like in Monopoly?

What have you learned to feel and to respond to in certain situations.  Is it you that is behind it or did you catch it from somewhere or someone else?

 

Conversation Stopper: People Are Rude Because Other People Are Too Polite To Call Them On It

Arp_300px-Kohlberg_moral_stages_vop.gifre some people rude and obnoxious because they count on other people to be polite?  Also do some people lie because other people won’t correct them for fear of being rude themselves?  Some people say hurtful and insulting things because they don’t expect other people to call them on it.  They will also tell lies because other people will often give them the benefit of the doubt or don’t want to start an argument.

What is often true is that the other person is uncouth and often cruel because they can get away with it.  It is sometimes even extremely obvious that they are doing this but they think that no one will say anything and they usually don’t.  Doing so often accounts for a period of stunned silence from the audience members with it being so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

For example, I once entered the room where a large family gathering was already going on and rp_300px-Determinants_of_Forgiveness_Graphic.JPGeverybody looked to see who was coming in.  The rude person in a loud voice asked, “Who cut your hair?”  It was obvious that person was being critical of the way I looked.  It had already been a long day for me and I replied, “Well, who asked you?” in front of the whole group.  This was met by stunned silence not just at the initial comment that had been made but at my reply.  I felt it had been very appropriate considering that this person made a game of doing such things.

rp_7510823738_6616ac3a63_m.jpgSometimes the only way you can handle such comments is by being rude, obnoxious, and impolite in return.  Such cruel people love to embarrass people and often do this when they have a crowd for an audience.  People who are crude this way often may unconsciously worry that they might have the same problem that they are pointing out in somebody else but we usually don’t call them on it.

Take Your Own Advice! Nobody Else Can Use It So Well!

 

Road Rage As An Example

Road Rage As An Example

(Short;  but not too sweet.)

Do you ever listen to what you say to others?  Did you ever try to take your own advice?  What kind of advice you give can be very self-revealing.  Carefully done it is like looking in a mirror and seeing yourself reflected there, not someone else.

What are the problems that you see others as having that bother you the most?  Could it be very revealing to list them and see if you often have them too?  Make a list of the things that bother you the most.  Put them somewhere where you can look at them.  Either inside a cupboard door or the bathroom cabinet door  or out on a mirror where you will get a chance to look at it every day.

Ever hear someone say, “I don’t see why someone should do something or something should be done about that?, ” and it is clearly descriptive of what the person them-self needs to do or have done.

Don’t let yourself read this with a self-satisfied smirk as you apply it to someone else and forget who this is really about!  “You!”  Whose behavior can you really change?  “Yours!”

Mine is to tell the truth, sometimes the hardest thing for me to do, as I fear and think that I can’t handle rejection.  Why do we reject others, when we don’t want to be rejected ourselves?

Why do we hurt each other instead of those who hurt us?

"Make my day!

“Make my day!

Just thinking…That can get you in trouble around here.  (Want to get this up in rough draft form before the internet gets too busy discussing this issue.)  How many people in Ferguson, Los Angles, and Chicago etc. are hurting fellow African Americans?  Looting each others’ businesses, destroying each others property, and making it impossible for fellow African American’s who have done no wrong to live peaceful law abiding lives.  Why are we hurting each other instead of arresting and prosecuting the law breakers who promote lawlessness in their own or others’ communities?  How come has it become impossible  for fellow African Americans and also the Caucasian  and Hispanic residents of these riot torn communities to live peaceful lives and carry out normal business and to be able to safely travel in these communities?

I was a student in Madison WI at the University of Wisconsin during the Vietnam war riots after the math research building was blown up by protestors and one graduate student killed (murdered?) in the blast who was peacefully studying in the building.  It was amazing that no others were killed or hurt in the blast because there was damage around the bomb site for blocks.  The most noticeable damage were the shattered windows in my own psychology building blocks away and in the University Hospital complex where people came from all over to receive state of the art medical care.

I (silly me!) tried to carry on normal business going to class and carrying on my research.  Certain times of day it was not safe to be on campus.  My stomach was tied in knots.  Certain students and professors made it clear that they enjoyed not participating in normal campus business like teaching, attending classes, etc. and rioting instead.  For them, it was a big party.  I remember barrels of trash set on fire in the intersections at night and young national guardsmen so scared that they shook when they gave you orders.  Don’t worry I knew that they didn’t know if I was friend or foe.

To them I was just another student and potential rioter or bomb thrower.   What had I done to deserve this.  Nothing.  I was just an innocent bystander.  What about the law abiding people of Ferguson who are losing their businesses and directing from that their jobs and sources of income.  Why can they no longer go peacefully about their business?

Also I have a husband who was directly involved in quelling the rots in Joliet IL at that time because he was in the national guard.  He won’t talk about it.  Talk about post-traumatic stress here in our own country.

I feel there is a strong politically correct movement that is preventing us from caring about each other and teaching any kind of morality.  Why is this movement hurting innocent bystanders and keeping the rioting in some cases from their own doorsteps?

Just thinking….  Government is supposed to help people  not hurt them.  That is why we have it.  There are small local movements for paying it forward and helping each other with nothing expected in return.  Where is our voice in government and in local problems?  Why are we the ones who ultimately get hurt by this?

This may get me in trouble!  What about the coming of the Antichrist?  Why have we not heard this speculated about in the media in these times?

P.S.   I can’t get any related articles from the web about the Antichrist?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Should You Let Your Past Determine Your Future?

Should you let your past determine our future?  Well, yes and no.  Have you ever held a grudge so long and so strong that you hogtied yourself to keep yourself from doing anything different in the future?  Hate has captives.  For the rest of their lives these people think that they have no choice but to repeat the past  or to control their behavior in such a way as to avoid falling into a trap that they fell into in the past.  Have you ever heard of superstitious behavior.  This often happens when something happens just before something good or something bad happens and the person involved believes that they should either keep on doing that behavior or going into that situation or avoid it all together in the future when maybe it was just a coincidence.  This is common among gamblers and athletes.

You have a mind. Use it.  Learning should never stop and just because you have figured out one solution to a problem doesn’t mean you should always solve it that way in the future.  Be flexible, be creative.  Use the abilities that you were born with.  Don’t rely constantly on other persons solutions to solve your problem.  Just like shoes, other people’s solutions don’t always fit your situation  just like Wearing other people’s shoes  which might give you blisters, hammer toes or bunions, etc.

Now Is The Time That....

Now Is The Time That….

 

Sometimes even the “facts” that you learned as a child are erroneous and can trip you up.  With “good” parenting, children can get an accurate picture of themselves and their good points and bad points.  If parents have lots of problems themselves they can mess up their children’s lives sometimes permanently.  Get some perspective on your situation when you were home growing up and see it with another person’s eyes.  Children can often be gullible as they want to be loved and accepted. Some children have been raised by parents who still are children themselves and they may even see their children as rivals.  This does not lead to doing or saying things that are in the best interests of the child.

With the voice of authority our inner voice of conscience  often mimics what our parent  said to us when we were a child.  Others like teachers, grandparents, and neighbors can also effect not only your sense of conscience but also your self-concept whether it is good or bad.  Time for a reality check here.  Do your parents’ rules make sense now that you are an adult and on your own?  We do many things by force of habit (which is good when you are going for a bicycle rid)e.    Since most of these reactions are automatic, this makes it hard to change our behaviors even if they are self-defeating.  For example,  have you ever gotten your buttons pushed and reacted before you knew it letting the other person who pushed your buttons be in charge of your behavior?  This can be a demanding, controlling, or dependent parent or a rebellious child who does not respect you, who thinks he or she is better than you, and who wants to control you, not be controlled by you.

The harder it is to change and the more self-defeating your learned behaviors are, the more likely you should seek professional help as anger and depression can follow from a deep searching of your past experience.  It can destroy your equilibrium to delve too deeply or go too fast in your self-renovation project without good help.  I am rereading a book as I write this, Toxic Parents, by Dr. Susan Forward.  You can consult this book for more information and she also warns about applying this type of material to your situation.  She does this at the end of the book.

Who Does Your Anger Hurt Worse?

Who does your anger hurt the most?  You or the person you are mad at?  Have you ever been so mad you were sick with anger.  Do your guts tighten up?  Does something you can’t stand give you a headache.

We have the capacity to let things go and the reward is often patience, fewer worries, and a peaceful mind.  Why punish yourself again and again by remembering often in great detail what some ungodly person did to you.

Recent someone got mad at me and wouldn’t let it go immediately.  I did not get mad nor did I keep a score card of hurts suffered from that person with that person’s name on it.  I did not respond with anger to anger and did not escalate the situation.  Later we both talked about it.  I reassured the person that I took their upset seriously and they admitted that they were having a bad day that did.  I also admitted that they had a point and I wasn’t dismissing their concern.

Frustrated anger tortures the person who gets intensely mad and can’t let go of it.  You may have heard of the type A personality who is prone to heart attacks.  They can be like that

By God, that makes me mad and I’m going to stay made no matter what the person I am mad at does.  I have a right to be angry and to express my feelings.   It wasn’t my fault.  Gosh and by golly, I might even sue the person.  if I could find a lawyer who will take the case and there are some lawyers out there that will encourage pe0ople like me to do this.  No matter who wins, you will have to pay the piper.  Sometimes the only one who benefits from this type of action is the lawyer.  Who is this hurting?rp_300px-Anger_Controlls_Him.jpg

What price will you pay to get revenge.  Focusing on it every waking moment.  What happens to families and friendships even to  careers if a person narrows their focus to this one thing and  neglects other concerns.

Can you figuratively speaking fight fire with fire?  Depression is anger turned inward and if you are the kind of person who does this then you may feel the only person you can retaliate against is you and this is the reason behind some suicides or worse yet murder-suicides.

Just because somebody gets mad at you should you get upside.  Think how infuriating it is sometimes if you get mad at a person and they don’t get mad back.  It can make  you feel ridiculous and even unaccountedin that situation..

Feelings should be recognized and acknowledged.  People have a right to their feelings, it is how they express them that can be a problem.

Often the source of our anger is that we tend to look critically at others and take offense if they don’t meet up to our standards even if they are strangers we meet on the street.  I am no light weight but I have reduced my portion sizes and have tried not to reward myself constantly with sweets. Yet  I still find it offensive when I find a person on the street that is significantly overweight more than I  still am.  So much so I almost miss the happy smile on the person’s face and great personality because I get mad at somebody else for not watching their weight like I think like I do.  My best friend in first grade had a weight problem but at the time I didn’t even see it.  What if I had let it stop me from making a life long friend who was like a sister to me.  We had so much fun and shared some great adventures.

Anger often is a control issue.  We get mad when we can’t control something.  Actually the only person we can reliability control is ourselves and sometimes we can’t even do that.   If we have a problem controlling something about ourselves, we often focus on that or some similiar problem in someone else.  “Don’t look at me.  Look at him or her.”

We often get in the way of our own happiness i this way and we  can get physically ill in the process.

What is this idea about needing to control everybody else, anyway?  Obviously we are suffering from lack of faith, hope, and trust not only in others but maybe  too in ourselves but with others to.  Don’t get me wrong there are some dangerous people out there and sometimes only when we get mad enough will we do anything about it.

 

 

Don’t Hit Him, Hit Me

Don’t hit him; hit me.  The bystander problem.  When you are little you may not realize that you are not big enough to take somebody on or that society thinks it is an inappropriate for someone in your role in society to do this.  Those words are a childhood memory.  Why would I remember them if they were something I did not say and something I did not experience.

In school, I once attacked someone who was attacking my brother (who is two years older).  I didn’t stop to think if this was appropriate.  I just went to his defense.

Living with someone with a bad temper is both contagious and dangerous and promotes inappropriate ways of solving problems.  What will a child as a bystander do?  Defend her siblings, defend her mother or father whom she sees as helpless?  A child thinks he rp_6690197133_ebab8b0bfd_m.jpgcan do anything he thinks of as children have good imaginations and are not so bound by reality as older people are.

Sometimes it is more painful to be a bystander in these situations than to be the victim who knows how much it hurts.  Something going wrong in the family with other members can leave a child feeling helpless.  What would hurt worse?  Being paddled yourself or watching another family member that you love and who you are close to being beaten?

Sometimes people don’t know the damage they do when they get their anger out on anyone or anything that they can get to while not fearing retaliation.  What would you rather do lose your own life and save the life of another or lose the lives of others and be there to suffer the loss.  Most parents say that they would like to die before their children do.

 

The Most Dangerous Words: I Love You.

 

Three simple words, “I love you,” but very dangerous.  Can a boyfriend say this to a girlfriend or vice versa?  What if he or she doesn’t say it back?

 

Jesus said, “Love your enemies.”  This can be done silently or out loud.   Love is the match for hate.  Remember your enemies will have a long hard row to hoe someday.  God reminds us of this.

 

Enemies, a Love Story

Enemies, a Love Story (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I am not the judge of someone else.  I don’t know what God knows or the other person knows so how could I know is right for them.

 

I try to keep my temper; but sometimes emotions comes first before rational thought.  Remember this is not the part of the brain that is fully developed in teenagers, young adults, and some adults.

 

Act without thinking, repent at leisure.  How can it hurt to say I love you (even if only in your head) and go on without behaving rashly or expressing an emotion that can hurt others?

I was the cause? of some road rage yesterday.  I drove through the drive way used to pick up and drop off college students; and I guess I cut off another car that was pulling out after picking someone up or letting someone off.  That car followed me downtown and passed me by going into the oncoming traffic lane.   I had already forgot about the incident until I recognized the car.

 

Positive thinking is where it is at.  I don’t get anywhere fast; I do some things slowly and I guess incur the rage of some other drivers.  (Don’t worry I have a lead foot sometimes when I am out on the highway whether or not I am in a hurry.)   Usually I look for the beauty in things and people I see around me.  I also look for ways to help people and look out for people.  Occassionally I give a cautious compliment based on what I observe..

 

 

 

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