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Centerpointe Research


The Marriage May Not End With The Divorce

Many people continue to have a quasi

Grounds for Divorce (song)

Grounds for Divorce (song) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

marital relationship with their ex-mate after the divorce has been filed or even after the divorce has been finalized.  It is difficult to break out of any familiar relationship especially one where you are used to depending upon another person to meet most of your needs whether for sex, companionship, financial support, emotional supp0ort, or socialization.  It is difficult to stop depending upon your ex-mate for one, some, or all of these needs.  Once a problem comes up, the first person that you might think of to help you would be your ex-mate or you might be the first person your ex-mate thinks of when he or she needs something.

The legal system does not take into account the fact that most relationships end gradually.  Most people involved in divorce actions do not follow the legal formalities exactly in ending their relationship.  Some people stop wearing their wedding rings and using their married names before the divorce is final and others do so long after it is final.  Some people separate and no longer live in the same house or apartment long before the divorce is final and others live together long after the divorce is final.

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Being Grateful to Those You May Hate

We get so upset about “bad” things people have done to us in our past that we totally ignore the good things they did.  Most relationships can not be all bad, but we prefer sometimes to see them that way when they end.

Make a list of good things your exspouse, exfriend or  “abusive” parent did for you.  Look at it when you are grumpy and can only think of the things they did that you consider bad.  This is not to overlook dangerous things that happened because of  these people or things someone did for you just to ingratiate you so that you wouldn’t refuse to do something for them.

Be appreciative.  There usually has been a time when things were going good or you wouldn’t have been in a relationship with them.  Just think if the relationship hadn’t ended or if you had had a chance to talk openly with your parent before you lost him or her, you might be counting your blessings.

Good memories can be about simple things:  putting butter and sugar on plain white bread for a treat, having gotten a beloved pet together, doing chores together and the other person 0pting to do a chore that you extremely disliked.

Seeking revenge and focusing on what the other person did wrong can only make you unhappy as you relive bad memories.

If you refocus on these types of relationships and try to at least mentally mend fences, you may work out some of your karma with these people in this lifetime instead of the next (if you believe in reincarnation).

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Honoring a Relationship

How do you treat your significant other.  Better or worse than you treat yourself?  Do you respect your other half?  Do you say hurtful things about him or her when he or she is not around.  Would you want him or her to do that to you?

Do you leave room for your boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife to grow and consequently to change?  Do you expect him or her to let you do it too?

Are you selfish?  Do you value your spouse or friend based on only what they can do for you?  Are you a martyr?  Do you consistently put the other person’s needs and preferences first?

You need to value yourself and your partner as human beings.

You need to do unto others what you would have them do to you.

A relationship needs to be nurtured.  Relationships often get taken for granted and little or nothing is done to promote them.  Even plants need to be watered.  Pets need to be fed.  Have you fed your relationship to day.



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Jack of all Trades

Jack of all trades, master of none?  If you could tell someone what was important to learn in life?  What would you tell them?  Many men are expected to be mechanics and handymen around the house.  Many women are expected to be able to cook, clean, and do the laundry.  With the changing of sex roles, both may soon need to know how to do both types of skills, housewifery,

Skills Like This

Skills Like This (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

and car and house repair. It has now come to the point with the necessity for two income households that both men and women should be able to hold a job.  Don’t forget driving, being able to use a computer, knowing how to use a mobile phone and other electronic devices as necessary skills in this present time..  Most everyone would say parenting is one of the most important skills to learn.  What about relationship skills, how to get along with others, how to communicate well with others, and how to form social relationships such as friendships, and sexual and romantic relationships.  Last, but not least, what also seems important to discover  is what is our relationship to the world, other people, and God (whatever form that takes for you).

What things are taught in schools, what things do parents attempt to teach their children, what things are taught in churches or other religious settings, and what things are people just expected to learn by living life.  Too often, we just let the most important things that we need to know in life go.  Who or what teaches us about these things, strangers on the street, on the web, or on TV?   Often we do not think about things like values and let someone or something else by default teach either us or our children what our values, if any, should be.  Let’s go further what is our purpose in life?  Why are we here? Agnostic, Atheist, Muslim, Christian, Hindu  or Jew , all have answers to this question.  Do you?



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After the Party’s Over, Part One

Get Over You

Get Over You (Photo credit: Rovxz)

People often go through more than one relationship with a significant other in their life time.  Here are a couple of tips about traps people often fall into after a break up of a relationship.

You may fall for exactly the same kind of person you broke up with.  For example, you may have heard of people who consistently get involved with alcoholics.  One factor that is part of this is that having a new relationship to escape into is one reason why people break up when they do.  Actually you seriously need to take a break between relationships to get your head together before starting another one.  A year after I got divorced, I met a guy that I really fell for almost instantaneously.  It wasn’t until two months later when we broke up that I realized he was passive aggressive exactly like my ex-husband.  I had just escaped making the same mistake again.

Actually we are talking about making two separate mistakes here.  One is that the person has found their next relationship before they get out of the one that they are in and are likely not only to connect up with someone just like the one they are leaving because they have had no time in between relationships to figure out what went wrong with the first one and get into another relationship, any relationship, so they do not have to be alone and have to meet all their needs themselves.

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Me? Forgive You?

Miracle of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a process undertaken by the person who has been “wronged.”  It may stop or stall anywhere along the way.  In most cases, the person being forgiven has little or no say about it.  The person who has the power to forgive is the victim and the person who benefits from the act of forgiving is  also really the victim.  Forgiveness releases energy for the victim which was being consumed by the anger, often even the hate, felt toward the perpetrator.  Grief is also often part of the sequence of events involved in forgiving someone; because something or someone is usually lost.  Grieving takes time and is said to have five stages which are not necessarily gone through sequentially and any stage may be gone through more than once. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Some people say that they can forgive, but they can’t forget what was lost.  Holding on to and reliving the memory in a sense is giving the perpetrator another chance to hurt you.  True healing is not accomplished in most cases unless forgiveness is given.  This is one of the hardest things to do.; but it signals the end of the healing process.

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