Why Does The Victim Often Have More Trouble than the Offender?
Here I am in trouble again and you may often find yourself in this type of trouble too. The offender gets out of trouble by blaming the offender. Such as they deserved it. They were so stupid that they deserved to lose to me. Why should they trust people so much? If caught often the punishment does not equal in cost, inconvenience or shame what the offense cost the victim. Often victims have to take on the role of being a damaged person whose repair is difficult, often incomplete and leaves scars.
I am a sexual abuse victim. Even the word victim is personally damaging. I didn’t ask for it but I got it anyway or will get it for sure if I tell anybody like I am doing now. I didn’t realize until the first time I felt a sexual response while making out and it went away. I tried many ways to fix this without any luck and I live with it. Also once a victim, always a victim.
I had a therapist who once called me sexually appealing which made me uncomfortable at the time. At the end of therapy when I was moving out of town he invited me back to let him know how I was doing if ever I was in town. When I came back, I found out that he expected me to have sex with him. I remember nothing that happened after that. Boy was I naive and became a victim again. Now I know why I never felt I was sexually attractive because that was dangerous. It took away from my self-esteem. Now does that mark me as someone to be exploited?
I was considered a behavior problem in grade school. Was I reacting to being sexually abused? I had all men teachers at the time. The best year I had was with my only woman teacher! In those days no one considered the fact that I was a problem because they didn’t know what to do with me. In fact, at graduation, I wasn’t made the valedictorian because of my behavior so I said I wasn’t going to graduation if they didn’t. We compromised, I got the award for the highest grades in the class instead. I think I was one of the first people to threaten to boycott my graduation. Also, I was told I would never make better than a B in high school; however, I graduated high school as my class salutatorian.
I was also bullied in high school on the bus and nobody did nothing about it. I did nothing to deserve it. In fact, I tried to spend my time reading to the little kids on the bus. I ended up not riding the bus. I also was a member of what I called the “out” group the members of which including me all sat in a group in the auditorium. We all there for different reasons, the country kids (but that was not my reason to be there), the less intelligence kids, etc. I was there just because I didn’t make into one of the uppity groups who snubbed us.
In ending, I would like to say that from my point that I became a victim for other people’s enjoyment at my expense. Victims of crimes also seem to get not fully repaid for their losses caused by those who victimize. Victims of break-ins often never feel comfortable in their own homes again.
What are the losses, peace of mind, monetary especially the extra cost of legal fees, medical expenses, the cost of different kinds of therapies needed? Also, the inability to have normal emotional responses again, the ability to trust people, tragic memories or the loss of memories of things that happened, fear of getting in certain situations again. What of these expenses does the offender ever have to pay and does the suffering of being caught and having to pay for these offenses ever catch up with them? Remediation often doesn’t really pay for the offense or it cannot occur for some reason such as the death of the offender or the offense is not considered a crime.
The Devil Made Me Do It
Haven’t you heard that before? Is it really the devil or are there self-defeating thought patterns that cause you to make a mistake, a big mistake.
Then when you are fired, have a traffic accident for which you are considered to be a fault, or blow it somehow and lose a relationship, you are initially entirely mystified as to how you could have fallen into that predicament and until the shock wears off, you are thinking, “Hey, what did I get into? How did that happen? Who, me?”
When the initial blankness wears off, next you face the consequences which can be overwhelming. “Me, how did I get pregnant?” “How will it change my life?” “What happened to my car?” “Is anyone hurt besides possibly me? Will I lose my license? How will I ever find another job with this on my record?”
Decisions may also have to be made at the moment which you might or might not regret later. You can possibly become defensive and whatever the consequences of your decisions you can and will defend them. You can then can become “Mr. or Ms. Neverever Wrong” and this too can prevent you from learning from your mistakes.
You may also have to come to some conclusions which you may regret later. Did you intend to do it or did the devil make you do it? You don’t have to be Christian to think this, but it helps. You may say that you won’t have any regrets because whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault and get yourself lost in denial even if it is not what actually is found to have happened. Sometimes reality can become really, really hazy when this happens.
You can see how your self-concept can keep you from seeing or acknowledging your mistakes and how valuable life lessons can be lost this way. Recently I had a conflict with a friend and lost my relationship with her. I didn’t know it at the time that the heat was getting to her worse than I knew and I was more concerned about my own ability to handle it. I learned, as much as I didn’t like it, that I was not acknowledging the signs she was giving me about her own deteriorating physical wellbeing.
I had had a long-ago lesson ( that pertains to the above situation) where an aunt of my husband’s who was helping me get my baby to the doctor in a far away city didn’t really want to do it and I learned that she really wanted me to read her mind when she said, “Yes” and she really meant, “No”. I was hurt when I found out that she felt I had taken advantage of her and was mad about it.
My husband’s aunt got really mad at me like my friend was when she had heat prostration. I learned that I had to read minds and therefore read between the lines when I was in certain situations even when I was not told something. It initially exasperated me, but I eventually got the hint. It was a very expensive lesson when I also learned that my friend and also a close friend of hers were very mad at me and did not want to communicate with me. Again they felt that I had taken advantage of her and was insensitive.
I certainly was part of the problem; but what if I considered that the devil made me do it. I am sure he would be happy creating conflict among people and making them behave less like a Christian. In the Lord’s prayer is the line,”and lead us not into temptation”. We need to keep on our guard as hurt feelings and confusion are a potentially bad mix. It has caused me a lot of grief. Can you conceive of the devil enjoying this?. I can think that is what God meant when he gave Christians this part of the Lord’s Prayer.
For a long time I was very rational about this part of the Lord’s Prayer and I didn’t think I needed pray it because I always knew what I was doing; but then sometime’s I made some dumb mistakes. For example, one was making a left-turn onto a four lane highway holding my fast food that I had just bought in one hand. I totaled my new car and wound up driving a used Cadillac. I always wanted a Cadillac but not that way. Who was at fault? me? God? or the Devil?
Also sometimes I have been very dense and as a result get caught in the same situation over and over. Was it my fault or the devil’s fault? I felt very strongly that I had to solve my own problems and often was confused in certain situations when I did not catch onto to what others’ wanted of me. I knew I was not meeting their standard’s but I did not know why. I was not getting their hints; but it was not malice on my part.
I have a little true story about me that illustrates this that I might have used in some other of my posts. My lady supervisor at a clinic told me that I had an odor problem. This was confusing to me because I was a regular bath taker, used deodorant, frequently changed my clothes, and washed those that needed it or sent them to the cleaners. Needless to say, I immediately either washed all my clothes or had them cleaned; but the odor persisted. It was very embarrassing and the staff felt like that I had some kind of problem that I wouldn’t admit like to being homeless or living in a dive and had no plumbing. Later I figured out that it was a perfume that I was wearing that didn’t mix well with my body chemistry. I stopped wearing it. Problem solved. But that never did connect with what the staff was thinking.
As a Christian, I latter learned to call on God especially for problems that I couldn’t solve and not to entirely depend on myself and view it was some kind of a test that I might fail. I felt that the devil always won in these cases. I had failed some kind of a test. I did in an indirect way (I didn’t ask for help); but I think I either had some kind of lesson to learn or I was inadvertently making the devil happy. Often it is the little things that bring us down. I don’t think the devil likes us to be happy, without serious worries, and confident that we are okay. What do you think?
‘
Related articles across the web
Are You Lost And Alone And Easily Rejected?
Recently I took one of those FaceBooks quizzes that was supposed to diagnosis blocks in your life (Mind Movies). Mine were surprising; but not surprising: rejection and fear of being left alone.
My biggest fear is the loss of all support in my life. That when it comes to some issue on which I and my family or friends disagree that I will be “thrown out in the street” so to speak. If there is a choice between believing and supporting me and themselves or someone else, I will lose. I also strongly fear being rejected and deserted with no support (physical or emotional).
The origins of these fears are being raised with love withdrawal as a primary form of discipline by a mother who wanted to maintain strong control of the family members and it seemed, “It was Her Way or the Highway.” My mother wasn’t the only one doing this. My father found my behavior to be very exasperating and once in the middle of an argument, said that he was going to move out. In those days, dads were the bread earners and child support and welfare didn’t exist or at least I had never heard of it.
On top of this, in this very controlling family, the things that I could do (and there were several) were (it seemed to me) not often praised and sometimes, I felt not even noticed. In grade school, one of my parents’ desires when grade cards came out was that I didn’t have a messy desk. Children are very susceptible to believing what they hear and experience while they are young especially when the parents’ motto seemed to be, My word is Law and no other perspective on life is available.
Soon I learned to hide and not share things with my parents. The worst were any notes from my teacher asking them to come to school to talk about my behavior which the teachers had frequent trouble dealing with (except for my second-grade teacher who was the only woman teacher I had in grade school).
Can I help it that sometimes I am very secretive, that I don’t feel appreciated for things that I really like to do, and in the family competition, I don’t usually win and family members feel that I shouldn’t ask for help even when I think I need it? And if there is a choice to be made over who stays or goes, I am the one who will get thrown out.
Top that off with at times, I can feel that I have a hard time making and keeping friends. I feel rejected, left out, and unappreciated. Sometimes when a sense of some competition with me is felt by others, it seems to turn into jealousy and meanness from and by them. Yes, I am intelligent and educated as I can accomplish things on my own and stick with something even if it is difficult.
I feel like I have a hard time increasing my likeability and acceptance by others. I can feel alone in a crowd (not that I like it that way). My exploration of spirituality has given me some experiences where I did not feel left out. P.S.: my mom was shy and always took me long to women’s things like baby and wedding showers to keep her company even when I was very young.
I also feel that if my family read this that they would have it all upside down and backwards and only use it to hurt me. I love my family and consider it the greatest gift in my life although I initially did not think I would have one. The contributions they want from me is for me to do things they expect a reliable housewife and mother and breadwinner to be. Hopefully, this is not followed by love withdrawal if I do not meet their standards.
Finally, my family would probably dismiss my thoughts as all something that got cooked up in the many different therapies I have had. The real me is reflected in my writings (of which I doubt that they have read many) and if they read any, they would be more likely to give me editorial comments rather than any comments reflecting understanding and acceptance of any of my ideas or experiences portrayed. When I feel I am in an atmosphere that is open to new ideas and experiences, I can be very free to be me. How about you?
Related articles across the web
It’s Their Drama, Not Yours
I learned a valuable lesson today: “It’s Their Drama, Not Yours! I’m a fixer-upper by nature and it doesn’t hurt that I am in a helping profession. “Did I hurt your feelings” Whose feelings are they? “You should have known in the first place that I didn’t want to do it!” “So why didn’t you let me off the hook?” Am I a bad guy because I should have known that even though they said,”Yes,” They really didn’t want to do it.and they felt it was an imposition.
Now whatever you do, they get mad because you couldn’t read minds. They take that load off their shoulders and put it on yours. Now you end up feeling bad instead of them. It is like a sudden rainstorm landed right above your head and you get soaked. They wind up feeling better and you have accepted a part in their drama that you really didn’t want and really didn’t earn.
What if you had a really good time and thought they had too. Whose fault is it? It’s not yours and why didn’t they “fess up earlier that they didn’t want to be there. Imagine you cooked a really good meal from a recipe you found and wanted to try and felt you had successfully mastered a good meal. Then someone tells you that there was something in the meal that caused an untoward reaction in them and you should have known it would, but they didn’t remind you and ate it anyway.
Another person who ate the meal smiled and said that they liked it but really they didn’t like casseroles as they were a meat and potatoes type of person. What happened is that you fixed a nice meal for a couple of ingrates. What a waste of time! and now you get mad when you didn’t feel bad before. Is it catching? Drama attracts drama. Sometimes no one is happy unless no one else is happy.
Is drama a disease? Sometimes it is not so bad when the contagion involves happiness and success. How about learning that someone is going to have a baby. Whoops there was one person in the crowd who is childless and unable to get pregnant or better yet did successfully have a baby by in vitro fertilization and then lost it to SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome). This can be a wet blanket and the person with the news now feels bad that they even mentioned it in front of that person.
Some people even stage a situation so they can create drama. This woman had a display of fragile glass perfume bottles on a coffee table and almost the first thing that she did was to call the toddlers present attention to it and if they would not have touched the perfume bottles in the first scenario; but they will now. Possibly it will result in a broken bottle or two, maybe the most expensive ones. The payoff in drama is superlative and the instigator is super comfortable in her innosence, but the others don’t know how she did it or even that she set it up.
See the previous post, “Leave the Drama to the Lama”. Feelings can be catching; but often not in a good way. Have you ever left a group when an argument became heated. Some of these situations can leave you shell-shocked with PTSD (post-traumatic stress syndrome). This is what makes soap operas so exciting. What will they stir up next? Calm down. Go listen to some soothing music, take walk in the park. Make a quick exit back to where you are feeling good again. If someone had a bad cold would you stand close to them, kiss them or maybe even drink out of their glass. You wouldn’t expose yourself to that so don’t expose yourself to somebody’s drama.
Sometimes drama is fun like in movies or books; but you know it is not really happening in front of you. You might get scared, laugh hysterically, or even shed a few tears but you know down deep that it isn’t real. If you tend to take some things seriously, then you might avoid certain types of stories. Me, I don’t like horror shows. There are enough really scary things happening in real life. Has anyone followed the news lately?
Related articles across the web
Shame The Great Manipulator, The Great Trap Of Unworthness
I was raised on shame. It was my claim to fame. I was not recognised for what I did well, but for those things I did not do so well. I was also convinced over time that I could not do them well and when that happened that people would give up on me. I thought there were only so many things in life that other people would approve of and that I was not capable of doing them well enough to make other people proud of me. I was recognised for what or where I could not meet up to other people’s standards and I felt like I was a great disappointment to my family so much so my relatives did not want other people to know that I was related to them.
I was so easily made to feel shameful that I was bullied, I was suicidal, and I was made to feel that I could never meet up to other people’s standards (of which there was only one set) and I would ultimately be rejected and thrown out on the street if that was possible. There was only one person to blame and that was me and I didn’t know any different.
Appropriate or Inappropriate? Wanted Or Unwanted?
Worse yet I realized that in sexually inappropriate situations the victim (that was me) was always the one who should feel ashamed and had something to hide instead of the reverse. Getting caught in a sexually compromising situation was something I should cover up, sneak out of, and pretend didn’t happen even though I now know it qualified as sexual abuse. It was something to be covered up and forgotten if possible.
Brene Brown with her doctorate in Social Work found that we have three shields that we can use as shields against shame. We can forget or not talk about what we see as a shameful situation. Men will tell you that they are not comfortable talking about certain things that happened to them as they were growing up or even later in life such as post-traumatic stress syndrome and even had pushed these things so far out of mind that they did not remember them.
Another shield against shame mentioned by Dr. Brown was appeasement. If someone is dissatisfied with you or something you have done, you try to make it up to them or make them so happy or satisfied in another way that they will forget that you did not or might not make them happy. Another word for this might be “brown nosing”.
Another possibility would be going towards or against the person or situation that makes you feel shameful and take it out aggressively toward them or it. This is the third shame shield mentioned by Dr. Brown. Could the liberal Democrats’ behaviour after the election of President Donald Trump be an example of this? Are they ashamed that their candidate did not win over such an unlikely candidate?
Sometimes our entire life can be motivated by shame and others can get what they want us to do by shaming us and can feel better about themselves by winning over us in this way. I have often felt that being a woman, especially a woman professional, made me a target for this sort of thing. If a woman can do it (what I did) it must be something easy to obtain and therefore not worth much. The step between someone with a Masters degree and a Ph.D. must be pretty easy if she can do it. I did not attend the graduation ceremonies when I received my doctorate (because it was not such a big deal)?
Related articles across the web
FINALLY I AM FREE TO BE ME!
My happy face anyway!.
Finally I am free to be me. Are you free to be you?
I just discovered in my old age (where I have found that insights blossom) I am no longer bound by what others think. I don’t have to judge myself by people who are successful in my field or in any other field. I am free to be me finally. Instead of withering on the vine, I am growing again in new and different directions. I grant that I have had difficulty with the judgments of me made by others. I may not be the world’s expert on a subject, but more than likely they aren’t either.
Be on your guard as you may be greeted by the anger of others if you do assert yourself. Attacking what is the most defended by others may reach the highest rewards. Who am I? Am I what I want to be and can be if I only let go of others’ past influences? Make way for ME! I am discovering things that were lost or discarded as not achievable. Now can I trust my own judgment?
Would you, if you were a man, wear a suit that was tailored to fit some other man. I had a husband who was very particular about collar sizes and sleeve lengths in his shirts. I have discovered I only like music that is sung a certain way and any other versions can offend me. (Am I right or wrong? ) Or have I discovered music for myself?
Failures do not always define you. Whose judgment are you relying on? Come home to the person you should know ( yourself) and glorify that. This is not permission to clobber other people so you can have your own way, but you might make some people unhappy because they can no longer control you. We all do not have the same tastes!
You probably can no longer be the peacemaker just giving in because someone with a louder voice is used to making a group’s decisions. For example, such a person then picks the restaurant for a group to eat at which then decides what you can have to eat. Avoiding conflict does keep the level of the drama down but at what price to you?
I am becoming well-defined as I age and have lumps and bumps that may not please others or that may interfere with what they (not I) want. Who am I actually? Do I have undiscovered talents and interests that I can use to shape “my world”?
Related articles across the web
Bullying The New Sport
(Rough Draft) As a victim of bullying, I have felt like the bull in the ring at a bullfight. Poked and prodded until he is exhausted, extremely angry, and unable to do anything about it but die. There have been attempts to outlaw bullfights for humanitarian reasons, but they never get it done.
This seems to be the same way with bullying as the victim continues to suffer and is expected to fight back in his or her own defense against a more powerful foe or gang of bullies. This seems to be shameful. Where does it seem fair to gang up on someone like that who has no defenders and is seen as weak by his or her foes?
Bullying hurts. It is not funny. Doing this to a person who is already down. If a group demands that you join them in bullying. Remember it is a hate crime. It can result in vicious mob behavior. Sometimes persons who should be supervising this group, egg it on and join the “fun” instead.
Sometimes people create a separation between what they call just teasing and bullying. They say it is all in fun and that the victim is thin skinned and needs to toughen up and to learn to take it without being a wimp. These people do not see or care that the person’s self-image is being reinforced as negative when teased or name-calling. Is it just in fun when the victim is being degraded and starts to carry around a nickname that is not flattering and really not funny to the victim?
Has overreaction to bullying and teasing that is not funny led to creating safe places and even offering play therapy where persons can go and take part if the behavior of others upsets them even though it is the right of others to have differing opinions and to share them in public. Now have we created wimps like these?
Taking responsibility in dangerous or difficult situations can create a type of toughness and self-pride that does the person well in future situations where they must take charge of things or do something difficult.
Related articles across the web
Who Are You Really? The Journey To Finding Yourself
Two years ago in November I went to Sedona, Arizona, to find myself; but I did not want to take any old trip or stay in any hotel or spa. I wanted it to be a form of a retreat. I went to find myself and for that reason, I wanted to go alone. I found the site for Sedona Soul Adventures which offered an individualized retreat with three days of personally designed spiritual retreat with appointments with local practitioners of meditation, massage, and other types of personalized spiritual experiences.
(If you call Soul Adventures and set up a retreat, mention that you found them on this website.)
I wound up staying in a Yoga house in Sedona and I had my own room and the offering of vegan meals for a set affordable price. I was also directed to a local agency to rent a practical older car in good shape. I set up two experiences on my own: a visit to a power vortex with my own guide and a one-day bus trip to the Grand Canyon
It was a wonderful experience and it was all part of my goal to establish who am I really? Do you know who you really are? Even before birth, various experiences shape you and determine who you are going to be. Are you thinking right now, “Wait a minute, I know who I am.” But do you know how you got to be that way?
Related articles across the web
Could Putdowns Be A Form Of Putting A Curse On Someone?
The witches (at least the bad ones) have gone and people don’t worry about curses being put upon them anymore or do they? When people put you down to make themselves feel better or to raise themselves above you, are they really putting a curse on you especially if you or those around you tend to believe them? The power in a curse is usually the strength that of the belief that the victim has in them.
Also, can putdowns be a form of domestic abuse? Yes, a person can be emotionally as well as physically abused leaving them browbeaten and powerless. Have you ever known a person who doesn’t ever seem to have something good to say about a family member and worse yet, other family members start to do it too.
A Perplexed Child
Doing it to children is a heinous offense. They often do not have a way of knowing that it is not true and they believe it. Other family members, especially other children, will start to do it too. “Monkey see; monkey do” Also siblings seeing it done to a fellow sibling might think that they might be next so they keep the spotlight on their sibling’s faults and deficiencies.
It is not a good joke if the person who is the object of the joke doesn’t laugh at it too. When this happens to children, they are often reduced to tears. The perpetrators say they don’t know why the object of the joke doesn’t think it is funny and they label him or her a “bad sport.”
Judge Not That Ye May Not Be Judged, Condemn Not That Ye Not Be Condemned (From The Bible)
The Bible warns against condemning others, but it also tells you not to condemn yourself. We create so many problems when we start having so many expectations for ourselves, things that we have to live up too. Do we bully ourselves? Do we criticize ourselves before somebody else, including God, does it to us? Then when we err we don’t give ourselves any slack. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. We judge ourselves before somebody else can judge us. Of what use is self-condemnation and judgments from others?
Sometimes our conscience is too well-developed. We do this to avoid judgments from others. Maybe we stop and look in the mirror before we go out so that no one can surprise us with an unfavorable remark. Compliments are often few and far between even those they may be deserved. Sometimes when someone says nothing it is as close to a compliment as we can get.
We need warm fuzzies, not cold pricklies. I guess the latter at least reassure us we have been noticed. Have you ever felt that you might be invisible when everybody in the room at a party are busy talking to each other and they don’t seem to notice that you are there?
Recent Comments