The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly: Our Shadow Selves

Life works like a mirror. The parts of us we admire, the parts we're ashamed of, and the parts we'd rather pretend don't exist all come back to us through the people and situations around us. Each of us carries a shadow self, a cluster of traits we refuse to admit belong to us. You can spot that refusal most clearly in the moments when you feel passionately for or against something. What you stand against tends to say more about you than what you stand for, because opposition points straight at the thing you're afraid lives inside you. Debbie Ford wrote about exactly this in The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.

Consider the trait in another person that makes your skin crawl. More often than not, it's the same trait you can't face in yourself. Call someone a control freak, a narcissist, whatever word carries the sting for you. The stronger your disgust, the more likely you're looking at a shadow self, some quality you fear you already have or might slide into becoming.

Buddha pointed to the middle way, and it applies here. Handing all your control to other people and then stewing in resentment doesn't work. Neither does grabbing control from everyone and earning their resentment instead. Moderation covers both. Respect yourself, and extend that same respect outward. Give your love away freely, and keep enough of it for yourself.

Related

• A Dressing System Taught Me Something About Myself and Other People
• Do You Really Know Your Child? And Do You Really Know Yourself?
• Something You Maybe Should Know
• Why Does The Victim Often Have More Trouble than the Offender?
• What I See From Here: A Matter of Perspective
• When Will You Come Out Of The Closet And Help Yourself Or Others?
• Do You Hear Only What You Want to Hear?
• Should You Judge a Book by Its Cover? Looks or Personality?