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Centerpointe Research

When It Should Be Shame On You, It Ends Up Being Shame On Me. The Story Of Sexual Abuse

(Published in possibly rough form because this information must get out there!) How many lesbians and Gays are considered to be to blame for their unacceptable sexual preferences? Most. How many sexual abuse victims are considered to be trouble-makers? This especially when sexual abusers (and their friends and family defend them) defend themselves. It is difficult to recover from sexual abuse when it messes up your sexual identity and/ or may permanently keep you from being able to get satisfaction from normal sexual intercourse.

How many victims think it is their fault not the fault of any abuse? How many are told that if they can not get aroused or come to an orgasm that they are at fault? How many cooperate with sexual intercourse and/ or fake an orgasm. How many go ahead and make the other person happy when they get little or nothing out of the interaction? Are they afraid that if they admit that something is wrong that they will be considered useless and their partner will go on to find somebody else that can do better? How many go through it anyway to produce something useful, a child?

If the abuse does come out. Denial is prevalent and confusing to the sexual abuse victim. Who did what to me? When. Details are often covered up. The abused winds up in pain and misery but they often don’t know why. As is usual if a person has a “fault” like impotence then people assume that that person has something wrong with them. How many sexual abusers want to be helpful and teach a child how to have sex.

How is it to be one of those? Learning to masturbate early by running the water in the tub. Being afraid of sleeping in the dark or sleeping alone? Having your mother tuck you as a child in bed so tight that you can’t move. Having to sleep at night with a light on or with your head under the pillow? Having a favorite fantasy to which you masturbate by rubbing your self with something that is so unusual you don’t know where it came from. You hide it because other people would make fun of you or punish you for it.

Fears and low self-esteem can be the result of sexual abuse. Feeling at fault for things is also true of sexual abuse victims. Sexual abusers spread a sickness that can be life long and get worse over time as the victim cannot find a cause or cure for it and it becomes a secret shame.

Sexual abusers can find a lot of defenders who support them and do not believe it is true because they support the offenders and what they say as they do not want to deal with both the results or the awful and horrible causes. They almost always would rather believe the offender and wind up supporting them and taking their excuses as true. If they are family or partners, they do not want to realize that they might have been at fault in some way for not seeing this happen or recognizing signs that it was. This is horrible for the victims as they can not find anyone who supports them even if they should. Maybe the wife thinks she may lose the spouse or vice versa.

The abuser does not usually stop as they have usually convinced themselves that they are doing something good for the victim or doing something that the victim deserves. Since they tell themselves that they are doing something that is justified the abuse usually gets worse and or spreads to other victims. They often encourage the victims by telling themselves and possibly also the victims that they are doing something nice for the victims or giving the victims some instruction or punishment they deserve.

This denial by the abusers, possibly also the victims and also the people around them, family and friends and authorities can be accepted by society and leave the victim in the dark or with inaccurate information about what happened. A wife would rather believe her husband who is abusing their child than get a divorce and lose her source of support. The higher the position of the offender in society often the more likely they will get away with it and disbelief will spread. Think of some recent examples of abuse in the Catholic Church. Disbelief adds another layer of abuse.

Then another symptom of sexual abuse occurs. Memory loss. You have the symptoms but not the memories. People may think you are crazy because of this. Symptoms do not exist with a cause. Believe this. This will keep you from going crazy and/or feeling you are at fault for your problems. This is frustrating as you have the problems but can not solve them as you don’t know the reason why they exist.
For example, I am frigid and for this, my husband rejects me and blames me because I can’t stop this. I want love and affection and because I can’t have sex or don’t want sex, I don’t get it. Not only am I frigid but I am also cold. Rejection is a big part of this.

Shame is a big barrier to handling this problem of abuse successfully.

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