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Just a note: what I write is based on my experiences, my background, and what I make of them. Recently my site has been down due to personal and technical issues and to some extent, I have been my own technical support. I also need to have time to address my own personal and medical issues, time with family (there are currently 18 of us when we gather around here), and household duties, budgeting, housework, and shopping.

For me getting depressed is getting down, tears appear in my eyes (not enough for anyone to see), I don’t want to do anything like eating, or be out where we watch TV. I do take most of my pills because I need them but it is difficult to get them all taken on time. I stop socializing and go to my office and do what I have to do here where my spiritual stuff, papers, boxes of stuff waiting for remodeling to be over in the rest of the house and computer stuff. The only ones that come in are my cat, my husband’s dog, and the grandkids unless I shut the door which doesn’t stop all the grandkids (especially the teen).

Often I feel ignored and that motivates me to leave. I leave knowing they (my family) won’t even know I am gone until I return. I don’t tell them why I left when I return because they won’t even know or care. I almost always bring them something back so they think that is why I left. They are happy to see what I brought but not necessarily to see me again. Only one cousin (who I see rarely) understood why I left when I returned with a Dairy Queen cake for dessert for our family reunion. This is a TRAP I set when I want to see if anybody cares.

I used to have a dream scenario where I was trapped into being part of a crime which was not my intention to commit where I got injured during the crime or by the police after. I would escape capture usually but later got picked up because of my injuries either seeking help at the hospital or collapsing and being picked up to take me to the hospital where I would not accept care if I could and if I couldn’t the hospital people would involve the police so I would try to escape and not except care.

This is a very open post for me. Basically I want people to care for me in my life. If I need help, I often get told to do it myself and if they have to help, I feel that I owe them and my other half, often takes over and thanks them for having to help me. The best example of getting what I need is the first time I had an interaction with Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. She held me during an externalization session and let me cry when I said, “I want to go home and it’s not here”. It was an extremely genuine interaction and that was true of the few externalization sessions that I had with people she had trained. I stood on the edge of these groups wanting to be taken in but I was not sure. Another thing that I said in one of these groups was, “Don’t hit him; hit me.” before the leader called me in. My realization was that I was the protector. I acted this out once when some boy was beating up on my older brother in grade school and I tried to stop him.

Also when I am with people that I have a close familial relationship with, the focus is what I should be doing around them. I feel like I am being bullied and I shut down and just survive as I perceive it as anger, rejection, and more demands that I change for them and of course on their part there is no desire to find out what I need (like a hug). I sit and watch what they do with each other or friends and it reminds me of what I mostly did without in school while I worked at learning and practicing my profession. Sure that resulted in a lacking of socialization on my part. I mostly watched and was not invited to participate.

I have escaped on a few trips going where they weren’t able or interested in going where I felt more accepted and where some of my interests were fulfilled (there not here). I am sure there is a list of what they HAVE done for me. I am not denying its validity. I feel I am going to curl up and dry up sometimes. What about you?

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