Something You Maybe Should Know

When someone insists they're telling you this strictly for your own good, pause for a second and ask whose good it actually serves. The advice that sounds so generous can be quietly self-interested. Take the line, "Janey, you really should talk less and stop hogging every conversation." There's a decent chance the person saying it is the one itching to run the conversation, and what they want is for you to go quiet so they can take the floor.

The compliment version is sneakier. A friend praises the outfit or the new haircut that anyone can see does nothing for you. In that moment your best friend has slipped into the role of your worst enemy, and you're left squinting at the two, unable to tell which one you're dealing with.

A softer form of this, less damaging but still crooked, shows up in small group decisions. Picture the person who steers every stop on a Black Friday run, or who somehow narrates where the group should eat while sounding like the most helpful one in the room. Each choice gets framed as the obvious, reasonable pick. Stretch it out over weeks and months, though, and the pattern is clear: their preference wins and yours quietly disappears. If you actually tallied it, how lopsided would the score be? Say you'd been hoping for Chinese food, and say it happened to be your birthday, and still some tidy reason got handed to you for why that wasn't going to happen.

Then comes the part that really stings. Once a little resentment starts building in you, the same friend has an explanation ready for why your feeling is unwarranted, which somehow repositions you as the oversensitive one, the one making a fuss over nothing.

Is it possible your friend carries a streak of narcissism, maybe some plain insensitivity? And is it possible you can't say a word about it, to them or to anyone else? The fix that tends to present itself is unappealing: becoming a touch narcissistic or insensitive right back. So much of your energy may already go toward meeting what everyone around you wants, so much that you've half lost track of what you want yourself. "Let's invite Judy" (Judy being you) "to the party, she'll bring the food and probably make the decorations too." Notice the sleight of hand. The party may not have been your idea, you may have had your own plans, and somehow you've been drafted into the labor anyway.

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