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Finding Your Way Without A GPS System

Everyone has a journey in life and hopefully at the end of that journey, they have found their way!  Who are you?  Who am I?  Once we realize that many of the influences we have had in life since birth have formed our self-concept.  At some point in life, we realize that these outside influences have thwarted our finding our own path and realizing what abilities and resources have been given us to help us on our way and it is time to find out who we really are and what are we doing here.  I have reached the time in life when it becomes more important for us to know what is our pathway and how and when can we meet our goals before we transition (which I prefer rather than using the word die).

If you have followed my posts you may have realized what some of my goals and values are, things which I have been searching for most of my life.  I grew up in a rather strict and sometimes rigid Lutheran church at a time when my mother’s motto was, “What will other people think?”  Both the church school and my parents tried to control my life.  Anytime, I tried to be “ME” I usually got in trouble.  It was here that I connected with books.  I learned there a lot of things that I wasn’t taught in school or at home.  I thought about being a Catholic nun and a nurse.  Then I found the James Bonds books before they were made into the famous movies.  College and graduate school were rigorous and I had little time for outside fun.  Although I often hid in the library stacks and looked at old magazines from the 50s and World War II.  In high school, I was able to catch old movies from World War II that were on right after I got off the bus.  In high school, I did some arts and crafts and was in band but then I thought I wasn’t good enough in these areas to pursue them as careers.  I even played a crazy lady in Gas Light our senior class play.  I realized I was not that good at memorizing lines.

It wasn’t til my second marriage and my first child that I realized I had an interest in finding out who I really was when I met Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and started on a spiritual journey reading book after book and attending workshops but a spiritual calling (or New Age as it was called) was not very acceptable at that time and I felt I almost had to go undercover with my interests.  I did meet a few people and found a few groups that attracted me because of these interests, but I never settled in or on one group permanently and/or completely finished a path of study.  I was frustrated because none of these things I pursued was exactly right.  I might be attracted to them for a period of time and focused on them seriously for a while, but never finished any one course of study.  I didn’t seriously think that I had accomplished much in my life and I felt that other people felt that way too about me.  I could not meet other peoples’ standards completely and I really didn’t know what I was missing.  At the same time, my husband and I had three kids (which I never thought I would have a chance to have) and they became entangled in our lives and hearts.

Now from my perspective that I have now I came to realize I had to have some of these experiences and so-called failures to take to where I am now and a lot of my mistakes led to me having experiences with people where I was able to give them acceptance and respect even though they were supposedly lower class.

It wasn’t until my revival in the Christian church lately that I realized I was often doing what Jesus and the apostles did.  I also discovered I could sing hymns and had memorized the words and the melodies singing in church and never got a chance to have the singing lessons I thought I could use.  My interest in fashions and interior decorating and architecture were an outlet for my love of harmony and beauty.  I grew up on a farm and wound up on a farm although I had gotten a Ph. D.  I found out that I didn’t really want to be cooped up in a city where I couldn’t have room to enjoy mother nature.

But I still am discovering things about myself and who I am like those DNA commercials on TV but different.  I take care of others more than I take care of myself.  I love working with children, hypnosis (how often am I really in a trance?), and the use of drawing in therapy ( especially with children) and in projective diagnostic testing.  I continue to learn life’s lessons that sometimes something has to end in my life before something new can come in and this is especially true with friends.  I am totally loyal to my friends and chose them by how they feel about me and how I feel about them not by what I can do for them or what they can do for me.

Many things have happened to me spiritually and otherwise that I originally felt could be made up and not “real” and now I accept all my memories and experiences even if they don’t make sense at the time.  I have had experiences that were not “normal” and felt like I had to reject them because other people thought they had not had them and therefore, they were not normal to them and therefore, shouldn’t be normal for me.  In the Bible which I am reading now, a lot of things happened to people that were written about that were not “normal”.

Could you write your personal life story too?  Your experiences are “meaningful” and have guided your life.

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