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Secrets of My Childhood

I think that you are thinking that I will talk about my abuse as a child again. Gossip was for adults and we children were supposed to leave the room unless there was no place else to go and then we children learned something.. There were many words that described concepts that we weren’t supposed to know about or understand like war, rape, divorce.

Sex was to remain a secret until you were married unless there was something your parents had to prepare you for like menstruation or buy you special clothing for like jock straps and bras, erections, and ejaculation and then they usually took you by surprise. Then came secrets like prostitution, homosexuality and being gay. Finally, the secrets were about usually (married) affairs. Sexual abuse wasn’t known then and therefore not detected just accepted especially in families where this was a way of life, brothers and sisters, uncles and nieces, next door neighbors and young boys. Secrecy promoted this type of behavior because it was kept in the dark where it often happened. Thus some children became afraid of the dark.

Money often remained a secret until you grew up. You might earn money babysitting or delivering newspapers or have an allowance. These were somethings you couldn’t negotiate, just accept. Bills were secretly argued over. Loans and mortgages were scary things and nobody knew what your dad’s salary was usually except him, maybe your mom, and his boss. If there was a budget at all, you wouldn’t know about it unless it was something like this. When your parents said, “This won’t” fit in our budget. When college came. It was either we can afford it or we can’t afford it and once you got there you might notice that some students had more money to spend on snacks, clothes, and maybe a car. Also, those with more money were often in sororities and frats and lived in sororities and frat houses. I learned my randomly chosen roommate my freshman year had money because she had matched sets of bras and panties in different colors.
What’s it like now?

War and political conflict was another type of secret. I would read these familiar words in the newspapers when I was nine or ten but I didn’t understand them I knew they were bad like the Korean War was but all I knew was that they were bad and I wanted them to be over. Things like wars cast a dark shadow over my life. I knew it was bad for us but I didn’t understand it and I was glad when it was over. I was lucky almost no one in my family participated in either of these wars when I was a child. I didn’t understand, who, what for, why, or how. I just knew it was bad and again it created a dark cloud hanging over my life and I wanted it to be over.

Obviously, there were a lot of best-kept secrets during the war (WWII and possibly the Koran War). “Loose lips sink ships.” Turning off lights at nite so the enemy couldn’t see our towns and highways from the air. Not getting war news until after the fact. Doesn’t seem to happen now, but it does make sense. I remember the news breaks at the movie theater. There was no TV just radio. Before that it was postcards. Telephones and electricity weren’t installed everywhere.

Finally, all I knew at that time was that I wasn’t to keep secrets although others were keeping them from me. The first thing that I learned to do about this was to listen at the cold air radiators in the floor of our house or I just perked up my ears in my room as my parents often talked things over in their bedroom next to me or sat down at the kitchen table which was just down the hall. I knew more than they thought I knew. I learned the scary details about our finances like when my Dad co-signed a loan so his younger brother could run a gas station. Then it failed and his brother sold off the stock and spent the money leaving my dad and his older brother holding the bag.

I learned to keep secrets when I consistently got into trouble in grade school and did not give my parents the notes my teachers wrote and sent home from school. I learned my parents were not very sympathetic and kept my worries and troubles to myself. When I got older my girlfriend and I giggled when we kept secrets from my grandfather when we were in the backseat of his car and he was taking us someplace. We thought our silly secrets were fun. We didn’t know that much then.

Do we keep so many secrets from our children now? Maybe they know too much and begin to worry a lot more at a younger age than in the past. Sometimes us adults get so much news, that we can’t think of anything else. Just like surprise parties some things are best when they are kept secret until the proper moment.

When It Should Be Shame On You, It Ends Up Being Shame On Me. The Story Of Sexual Abuse

(Published in possibly rough form because this information must get out there!) How many lesbians and Gays are considered to be to blame for their unacceptable sexual preferences? Most. How many sexual abuse victims are considered to be trouble-makers? This especially when sexual abusers (and their friends and family defend them) defend themselves. It is difficult to recover from sexual abuse when it messes up your sexual identity and/ or may permanently keep you from being able to get satisfaction from normal sexual intercourse.

How many victims think it is their fault not the fault of any abuse? How many are told that if they can not get aroused or come to an orgasm that they are at fault? How many cooperate with sexual intercourse and/ or fake an orgasm. How many go ahead and make the other person happy when they get little or nothing out of the interaction? Are they afraid that if they admit that something is wrong that they will be considered useless and their partner will go on to find somebody else that can do better? How many go through it anyway to produce something useful, a child?

If the abuse does come out. Denial is prevalent and confusing to the sexual abuse victim. Who did what to me? When. Details are often covered up. The abused winds up in pain and misery but they often don’t know why. As is usual if a person has a “fault” like impotence then people assume that that person has something wrong with them. How many sexual abusers want to be helpful and teach a child how to have sex.

How is it to be one of those? Learning to masturbate early by running the water in the tub. Being afraid of sleeping in the dark or sleeping alone? Having your mother tuck you as a child in bed so tight that you can’t move. Having to sleep at night with a light on or with your head under the pillow? Having a favorite fantasy to which you masturbate by rubbing your self with something that is so unusual you don’t know where it came from. You hide it because other people would make fun of you or punish you for it.

Fears and low self-esteem can be the result of sexual abuse. Feeling at fault for things is also true of sexual abuse victims. Sexual abusers spread a sickness that can be life long and get worse over time as the victim cannot find a cause or cure for it and it becomes a secret shame.

Sexual abusers can find a lot of defenders who support them and do not believe it is true because they support the offenders and what they say as they do not want to deal with both the results or the awful and horrible causes. They almost always would rather believe the offender and wind up supporting them and taking their excuses as true. If they are family or partners, they do not want to realize that they might have been at fault in some way for not seeing this happen or recognizing signs that it was. This is horrible for the victims as they can not find anyone who supports them even if they should. Maybe the wife thinks she may lose the spouse or vice versa.

The abuser does not usually stop as they have usually convinced themselves that they are doing something good for the victim or doing something that the victim deserves. Since they tell themselves that they are doing something that is justified the abuse usually gets worse and or spreads to other victims. They often encourage the victims by telling themselves and possibly also the victims that they are doing something nice for the victims or giving the victims some instruction or punishment they deserve.

This denial by the abusers, possibly also the victims and also the people around them, family and friends and authorities can be accepted by society and leave the victim in the dark or with inaccurate information about what happened. A wife would rather believe her husband who is abusing their child than get a divorce and lose her source of support. The higher the position of the offender in society often the more likely they will get away with it and disbelief will spread. Think of some recent examples of abuse in the Catholic Church. Disbelief adds another layer of abuse.

Then another symptom of sexual abuse occurs. Memory loss. You have the symptoms but not the memories. People may think you are crazy because of this. Symptoms do not exist with a cause. Believe this. This will keep you from going crazy and/or feeling you are at fault for your problems. This is frustrating as you have the problems but can not solve them as you don’t know the reason why they exist.
For example, I am frigid and for this, my husband rejects me and blames me because I can’t stop this. I want love and affection and because I can’t have sex or don’t want sex, I don’t get it. Not only am I frigid but I am also cold. Rejection is a big part of this.

Shame is a big barrier to handling this problem of abuse successfully.

Shame. Blame–How To Play The Game, Not Be Played

She might be afraid of being shamed.

Do you let others make you feel bad when you have done nothing? When someone shames you, it is easy to not handle it well. It usually morphs into the blame game. You either accept the shame and blame yourself for doing something wrong or you blame the person for shaming you. As a result, it is very difficult for anyone to do something constructive. The person blaming you doesn’t gain any other perspective on the situation or you cower in a hole and don’t peek out for several days being afraid that someone else might find the same thing wrong with you. If there are witnesses to the shaming, they might even join in and make it worse. That happens more often than one would think. In my mind’s eye, I see a swarm of such people joining in with their comments just like people in olden times would pick up stones and join in stoning someone to death. Rarely, occasionally someone might feel bad later about their cowardly act and apologize. It happened once to me and it did make me feel less like leaving the church where this had happened.

Shame, shame on you, not on me is the way the game is played. Women tend to do this more than men. In my eyes, men just pass on malicious gossip without fact-checking. Sounds like many of the prominent newspapers and television stations these days doesn’t it. I don’t know how many women I have heard have been adulterous and also many men from other men. But only the women, not the men, have been looked down on for this. Curiously occasionally it has been women I know and like?

How constructive is shaming? Does it change behavior or not?
And often the only women that get shamed are the ones it upsets. How easy is it to focus on changing something when you feel so rotten, hopeless, and unable to change. Is it something you have been working on that you get shamed for? Do you then feel helpless in being able to change such things? Do the shamers instinctively know what would hurt you the most? Do they know that you have been working on something and trying to change? Do they catch you in an unguarded moment when you goof and do it again or do they find you in a bad moment with unruly kids? Does it really make them feel better and you worse? It sometimes goes so far as to become a feeling of pride that they are not like you and often they think that they have never been like you. What kind of human beings are they? Should they feel ashamed? instead!

The best way to avoid being shamed is to leave the situation even if she, he, or they say it is for your own good. This usually means that something NO GOOD is going to happen instead. Helpful people are not that hurtful. You can handle people you don’t know by watching out for someone approaching you with that “look” on their face. The “Better than thou” one. I avoid women who are extremely well dressed (this goes for younger people, but their fashion style is different) and it is obvious the that person or those persons are coming for you. Give them a lot of space and disappear. Don’t volunteer to accept criticism.

Ok, say you have a contagious disease if you have to. Say you have to go to the bathroom and don’t come back. Also don’t really go to the bathroom because they can trap you in there. This won’t work if they decide to come with you and it has several stalls. I guess then you could say you are extremely shy and hide in your stall until they leave. Or you could say you have to poop and you think you might have diarrhea (and you know how that stinks).

Often underneath it all blamers may be projecting on to you their own fears and inadequacies. When they blame someone else, it can be very revealing. Men who accuse their wives of having sex with other men can probably be having sex with other woman themselves.

How People Try To Control Others When They Can’t Control Themselves

What do you think?  Are you in control of yourself?  Big job, isn’t it?  Do you have some habits that take control?  Eating?  Sleeping?  Golf? Watching sports?  Hunting?  Not controlling your temper? Hogging the electronics or the laptop?  Being unavailable for conversation or socialization because of this?  Gossiping? Seeing others as sexually promiscuous?  Perceiving others as using too much foul language?  But not yourself?

Do you have someone bossy in your family that almost always gets their way and others often agree to do what they want in order to keep the peace?  It is an interesting idea to see these people as not in control of themselves and to consider the idea that they either don’t know it or they don’t admit it?

Golly, there is so much to control as an everyday human and things can get out of control real fast like addictions, laziness, focusing solely on one’s career and letting other things like socialization go.  Do we try to control others because we can’t or won’t control our own selves?

The Bible says to get the pebble out of your own eye before trying to get rid of one in someone else’s eye. I grew up with a very controlling and complaining parent.  We never talked about what he or she did wrong, just what was wrong with others.  Gee, this person is starting to look like a saint.  As a Christian why would one require salvation if they never did anything wrong, just other people?

Remember whatever you might complain about in another person might be something actually that you have little control of in yourself.  Beware the biggest controller might not be the other person; it might be you.  My controlling parent actually kept on trying to control me after I had gone on to graduate school, gotten married, and moved away from home.  I feel that person could have pulled food out of my mouth if he or she thought it wasn’t good for me to eat.

The worst conflict that we had was when I made the decision to get a divorce from my first husband.  When I told this parent this, it was all about how the divorce would make this parent look and how it made this parent feel.  I received no support from this parent and I cried so hard that I had to go into the shower and turn it on to drown out the sound of my crying and wash away my tears.

Then when things got tough in my second marriage, this parent was more concerned that I might move back home with the children and become dependent on this parent than this parent was concerned with how I would cope with them if I had to do this. Then I realized that this parent again was more concerned about herself than she was about me.

Learning to control yourself is a life long process and most people? might never accomplish this. Sometimes it is easier to just control others and how they effect you than it is to work on controlling yourself first. Manipulating others sometimes comes easier to do than taking charge of yourself and what you tend to do unbridled.

Opinions Are Usually Based On Assumptions, Not Facts

This is an opinion piece based on what I think about a particular topic; but often these days people write on a topic giving their opinions about a topic, not a presentation of and an analysis of the facts about a given subject. This means a presentation is often one-sided and gives a person’s particular point of view about a topic. For example, all border walls are bad. They prevent good people from coming to America to start life over after escaping from economically deprived countries or ones whose governments they don’t support and they often point out the saying on the Statue of Liberty to support these people’s right to do this.

What the idea about that doing this presents an open pathway for criminals to enter our country and an invitation for people to come and get free health care, education, and food that many actual citizens are not able to get. Thus many presentations of public opinion leave certain facts out. Finally, many people who come into our country this way without screening and many may not want to live according to our laws and values especially as treated by the declaration of independence. For example, the mutualization of young girls female parts and child marriage between young girls and grown men without consent is promoted by some cultures.

Also, many people who promote this, do not expect to have to live under these conditions. How about men who cross open borders in Europe and who perceive young unaccompanied women in casual dress which exposes some of their body parts such as their faces or legs as open targets for rape and who do not expect to get arrested and prosecuted for this.

Update On Security Modes

Sometimes we have security modes that go into action in desperate situations when we feel we have no way to deal with a situation and we think that others on whom we depend will desert us in a crisis situation we did not know existed but others thought we should know did exist. The first mode is to run away and to not notify others where we are going when we are confused and shattered. We are actually seeking someone who would understand us and support us in our crisis. Also at this point, we feel that the weight of everything is upon us.

When I was a child, I would cry my heart out whether I was at school or in my room at home. Of course, there was no one available to hold me while I cried and to support me in my crisis. The result was that I was all alone in my crisis.

As an adult when this occurs, the result is very much the same. Then there seems to be only one more thing that can be done if nothing happens to support me and this is to forget the whole thing. This is why those people who insult or assault me in this way thing think that I didn’t listen and that it didn’t affect me in any way and that I didn’t care.

The worst insult when I am left with no way out and threats are made that will affect my security if I try to question what they said and/or go to other people involved for help. There is no way out that is why I seem to have the two alternatives listed above. That is why people involved think that I don’t care especially if I seem to have forgotten the incident.

What are your security modes? I recently read about Shame shields which she to be one type of security modes: anger, forgetting, silence, or shame (feel bad as if you did something wrong and must apologize). These are all ways of dealing with apparent life-threatening danger.

Make my loved ones detach from me as the person who is upset with me has more control over that person. Make me seem like an evil person because I am supposedly doing what they are accusing me of doing and keep other people involved from supporting me because of that. They accept no guilt for the situation. In fact t

In school when this happened when I was shamed by the teachers, I had no place to go or no one to run to. My parents, if they knew, would not take my side or cuddle me or support me. So I kept it secret and threw away the teacher’s notes. Even today I feel I should keep it secret as no one would understand me, support me, or believe me.

The Good Employee

!. Do you show up on time or a little bit earlier? Do you do this because you might get caught up in traffic or because the weather or traffic might be Bad?

2. Is your dress appropriate, not too fancy, or showing too much skin. Have you noticed what other employees were wearing? Have you dressed for the temperature in which you will be working? Have you worn something that would catch on machinery or distract other employees? Better yet, do you have contact with customers? Then how do you represent your company?

3. Have you asked for time off when you are not eligible for it yet? Worse yet have you just not showed up. Have you caused your employer to ask another employee who is on their time off to show up or worse have you caused your boss to come in on their day off?

4. If you are mad about something, do you grumble about it with other employees or worse yet do you do this with other customers?

5. Would you like yourself as your own employee? If not, then why do you act that way?

6. When you have nothing to do at work, do you do nothing? talk to other employees and distract them from their work?

7. Do you do what a good employee might do and that is find something to do that needs to be done? This might lead to the compliment, ” Did you notice that “X” (that’s you) is never idle, she always finds something to do.

8. Have you been asked to do something that is unethical or unsafe or illegal? Would you risk your job to do the right thing? In the long run, would your employer appreciate it or would a new employer like you for what you did?

Go From Now To Then, How To Back Up Your Life

Recently when reading of characteristics of a co-dependent person which seemed to match my assets, I realized that it was easy to look backwards and determine where I came from. It has always been important to me to help the persons that read my blog not only to determine what problems they seem to have currently but also to look back and see where they came from. Doing this is what helps change behaviour.

As a co-dependent, I usually consider others needs first. I want to avoid drama by others when they don’t get what they want. As a result, I have a long record of restaurants I have not gotten to go. Part of the reason for this is that I’m am disabled and people don’t want to waste the time it takes to get me in and out of the car and the time it takes to drop me off at the store or restaurant, re-park the car, and walk back. It is a lot faster to go without me.

If I mention that I would like to go to this place or that when other family talks about going somewhere, I realize that I would be a spoilsport. Not wanting to be one, I don’t ask. If I am out on an outing and the group is choosing a place to eat even if I would like to go to a certain type of place, especially one I haven’t had a chance to go to, I keep my mouth shut because of one person who is almost always there, usually gets her way as she expects it and she thinks her choice is the most logical and/or practical.

If other people are dissatisfied about something, I get upset too for two reasons I think I should feel the way other people feel or if I don’t go along with them, and agree that their way is the right way to feel that they will get mad or even feel worse because I am not supporting them. Actually, I do have the right to feel the way I feel or to even not feel at all.

All people are different. People in families, often if you express yourself, feel you are wrong or are not supporting them. Parents are in charge and they may expect that children must mirror them and if children disagree with them that they are not being disciplined right.

I did not realize how controlling my mother could be until she threatened suicide because when we were on a trip and we were sharing a room I went to the bathroom and was reading magazines because I could not sleep through her snoring. I guess I was supposed to pretend I was asleep. I thought I had not awakened her, but she must have awoken and found me not in the other bed. It was scary!

It sounds that strong, demanding people get their way and create co-dependents. Now codependents can be sneaky and avoid demanding people. This can lead to lying by sins of omission. I used to get the teacher’s notes to take home to my parents and I never did take them home. I always liked to avoid confrontation. I really dreaded that; sometimes I was even really very afraid. Also, I was afraid of the power that they generated and commanded.

Again a story about my poor mother and how demanding and controlling she could be. After four years of marriage in my first marriage, I decided I had to ask for a divorce, because I was so uncomfortable in the marriage that I was sick all the time and even a doctor, that I went to, recommended that the only thing I could do was get a divorce.

When I shakily told my mother that I was getting a divorce over the phone, she got mad and told me no one in our family had never gotten a divorce and demanded that I would not get a divorce. I cried so hard after this that I went to the shower, turned the shower on and cried my guts out. By the way, I did get a divorce from my first husband (it was mutual) and moved away; but not back home to where my mom was.

Once early in my current marriage, I learned that I was going to get fired and I never ever really found out why. Did I cry and shake? That man had a lot of power and I think now it was partially that I had a PhD and he had an Ed.D. for those of you that want to know. My degree was in clinical psychology and his degree was only in educational psychology. I didn’t disrespect him for this. He also said he took the exam to be licensed as a psychologist and did not study for it and passed?

Well after I left the clinic, I spent six months reviewing my doctoral exam notes from graduate school before taking and passing the exam. It was a very tough exam and I could not have passed it without studying for it especially a few years out of graduate school. Don’t you think, like I thought, that he was setting me up for something? Being submissive doesn’t always help especially with a sociopathic narcissist?

Also, I can get talked out of doing something sometimes. It is not always right, but they are so demanding, it makes me think that I must be missing something in my defence and give in to them. Some people in positions of authority, whether as bosses, teachers, or parents, feel that now that they have a chance to be in charge, that they must always be right whereby the authority of their position or because they wouldn’t have gotten there if they didn’t know their stuff.

In graduate school, my clinical class had one class where we had a professor who was a star in their field because of her published research but she couldn’t teach her way out of a boot. After her classes, we all as a class had to go to our books and references to find out the true answers to questions she had referenced in class. Still, we had one test of hers that we all had done badly on so she kept us after class to tell us the right answers as she wanted to pound them into our heads and as a result, we had to choose to stay in her class or be on time for our next classes.

VOTE!, VOTE!, VOTE!

Democracy is based on the idea that the people who are covered by this form of government will have an equal say in who the people that govern them will be. If you don’t vote, then the democracy will stop working and eventually fail. If the people, in general, don’t vote, then who will determine who will make the decisions.

Also if the people making decisions about who will run the government don’t have their own independent ideas about this and are not well-informed about the issues being considered then they will be easily led by people who want to run the government and who essentially don’t believe in a democracy. Then the government might eventually become a dictatorship so if you don’t register to vote and exercise your right to vote and do so judiciously by being well informed about the candidates and the issues, this can happen.

If you remember, there was a post written here about “The Little PEOPLE” previously and the former presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton, used the term, deplorables (oops I initially thought it was the despicables, in one of her speeches referring to the people who supported the opposing candidate. She sort of stuck her foot in her mouth didn’t she?

Now I am asking you to consider the opposing candidates running in your state for various offices. Do they take your vote for granted? or do they think that you might change your vote to vote for them if they would put you down if you voted for the opposing candidate or candidates?

VOTE, VOTE, VOTE! Although it will be a little awkward for me because of my handicaps. I will also get myself there. If you can, take someone with you. Don’t let a friend or neighbor have an excuse for not voting. Also if you can. help a friend or neighbor register to vote if they haven’t.

This is a very crucial election. Think about what the Democrats might do if they get a majority in the House or Senate and think about as well what the Republicans might do if they get a majority in the House or Senate.

Consider the source of your information. Most major news stations take a standard Democratic line and to hear the reverse you have to listen to Fox news stations. Few newspapers give anything but the standard Democratic line. Sometimes I feel that Obama has never left office in the Democrats’ minds. Also, I think that Trump is still campaigning to stay in office. Why don’t you consider both sides?

Finally, I am considering voting for neither the Democratic or the Republican candidate for governor in my state. I kinda think that both are well acquainted with the swamp. They might be very surprised on election day if an independent candidate made a large showing. Also, one slot for state representative on the Republican side was filled by had a newcomer who won the primary.

Avoiding Road Rage And Not Just On The Road

It makes sense if you see someone coming toward you looking like an impending thunderstorm that you should avoid them if you possibly  can,  Do you want to get wet especially when they don’t make umbrellas  to protect you from this type of storm.  Sometimes all you can do is to not agitate  them and try  to get away as soon as possible.

  For example,I had a woman who was checking me out in Wally World and I had many items and I needed a little help; I knew that she didn’t like this and that the skies were getting  darker and darker.  I also needed someone to help me take my groceries out to the car, but I also knew that I probably shouldn’t ask her right at that time so I didn’t and as I pushed my cart away from the checkout station, I  spotted a more likely  associate further  away from  where I had checked out and asked her to help me.

Another problem is letting someone’s facial expression upset you or influence the way you feel. At a play or in a meeting, do you let the way someone looks at the play or in the meeting cause you to change your mind about the play or about what is going on in the meeting? Do you let somebody else’s assessment change how you think about something? Do you get less enjoyment out of the play or do you feel that the meeting is promoting better ideas than you thought it was doing. Are you independent or do you feel less sure of yourself when it comes to the judgment of what is going on around you? Do you unconsciously tune in to what is going on around you and lose your self-confidence about what you are thinking or feeling?